Transition

The past two weeks have definitely had their ups and downs. After an exceptionally long and hard week 2 weeks ago, I finally discovered what was causing my anxiety, mood swings, irritability, and worsening depression for the past 6 weeks. A birth control pill. One little daily dose of hormones that just happened to be enough to set me over the edge. SO....I stopped taking them and within 2 days I started to feel like the old me again! Of course the trauma of what I have gone through over the past month is still there, but I can finally wake up and not feel nervous or sick to my stomach. I can make it through an entire day without a panic attack. And best of all,...I can finally enjoy spending countless hours doing nothing but being with my beautiful little princess. 

BUT,...then last week rolled around. The day that I have dreaded since November....my first night back to work.

Returning to work has definitely been a struggle for me. I never in a million years could have imagined that it would be so hard to leave her. I have an emotional meltdown each night before I leave. I cry and cry and kiss her about a thousand times before I leave the house. And then after an hour long drive full of sobs and tears, I somehow manage to collect myself and walk into work. The nights have been absolute torture being that I haven't been awake much past 11 o'clock in three months. I just have to continue telling myself that I am doing this for Mya...she gives me something to look forward to in the morning. I knew that this transition wouldn't be easy. But I also know that I have to do this for me. So, I am working very hard to get back to feeling myself again. Over time, I think this will happen. Just one day at a time.

Today I asked for a sign......that everything will be okay.

I have to be honest, the past few days have been pretty rough. Nightmares, anxiety, a lot of tears. At the beginning of the week, I spoke to a friend who knows all too well what I am going through. And she said something to me that set made me smile. She said "I wouldn't want to be myself without this." She knows that she is a stronger person because of her PPD. She has survived something that many will never understand. She is strong and I am proud of her. Thank you :) I won't mention names.

So, after much consideration, my thoughts for today are this......they will help me to remain strong. I can fight this battle and I will overcome it....

"I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightening out to do......But I've got to get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry."

Trying to stay positive.....even on my weakest days, I grow a little stronger.

A little ray of light??

I had some errands to run early this morning. Luckily, I had someone here to sit with Mya while I ran out by myself. I felt a little guilty at first...had to continue to remind myself that doing something alone and for ME is a good thing. I was only gone for about 40 minutes. Still feeling much in a cloud today,...nervous,....wanting to cry.....for no reason at all.

So on the way home, I checked in to make sure Mya wasn't fussy.....and I drove right past my house! I kept going. Thinking I just needed a few more minutes to think and collect my racing thoughts.

About 20 minutes later, I went home, meeting my little sister at the door. Mya was hungry. She had taken a few ounces that I had frozen for such times, but was still fussy. As soon as I walked into the living room and she caught a glimpse of me she stopped crying. Sometimes it is so gratifying knowing that I am the only person in the world that can comfort her. No matter how frustrating the nights are when she will not sleep alone, or wants to nurse every hour, it is times like this that make it all worthwhile. For once, I finally saw it for myself. No matter how many times before others would tell me...."Look how she responds to you" or "She sure knows her Mom", it never really sunk in. But today it did. I felt that bond for myself....and I cried. But it was a good cry. I think that things might be looking up for me. I think I might see a glimpse of the light at the end of this dark tunnel.  

Empowerment.

At 6 weeks postpartum, I finally found the power to tell my husband that I thought I had postpartum depression. I was scared to death and didn't know where to turn. Of course I had heard all of the terrifying stories of women who had suffered before me and there is such a stigma attached to PPD, I didn't want to be labeled as a failure. But that is how I did feel, and I wanted a quick fix. (Which I know now is not possible.) At my 6 week postpartum visit with my OB, I asked for medication that would make me "feel better". Of course, as a breastfeeding mother I was given a single option...ZOLOFT. 

To make a long story short, my scary dream of PPD then turned into a terrifying nightmare. For 3 days I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't relax enough to think. I had HORRIBLE nightmares. My mind raced, I felt like a terrible Mom and a terrible person. Worthless is how I felt. After 3 doses (I know,...a nurse should know better), I stopped taking them. Maybe not the best decision for some, but for me it was.

And now, just 5 weeks later, I feel like I have been making progress. Although I still have days when I feel like I am getting worse, or that I have taken a step back, I remind myself that it will take time. I focus on the positive. I remember where I was just a few weeks ago. I remember what those awful pills did for me. SCARY...So today, to empower myself.....I FLUSHED THOSE PILLS. I told myself "I DON'T NEED DRUGS TO FEEL BETTER." I will make it through this.

Good Morning :)

The precious moments experienced in the morning when you are able to look at your baby while she sleeps are what make life worth living for. Mya woke this morning after sleeping almost 12 hours with a giant smile on her face. "Good morning, I LOVE YOU", and she gave me big baby kisses on my face. Today will be a good day.

Recovery.

So many women out there are unaware that postpartum depression occurs in almost 15-20% of new mothers. There is no "known" cause, nor is there any specific "cure". BUT with time, support and encouragement it is treatable.

I, like so many others, am still waiting for my revelation. I am waiting for the day that I wake up and no longer worry about how I will take on the day or how I will fight irrational fears and terrifying thoughts. I take life one day at a time and follow a few simple steps to help myself feel better. Thanks for the support, Mom. You know that a lot of these came from you. (You should've been a counselor.)

1. I take a vitamin EVERY morning. There may not be any proof that it will help to shorten the length of time that you feel depressed, but it does ensure that you are getting the right amount of nutrients.

2. I drink plenty of water. Whether you are breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, water will help to keep you well nourished and will combat exhaustion. I carry a water bottle EVERYWHERE I GO.

3. I challenge myself to see the positive in the simple things. My first words to Mya every morning when she wakes are "Good morning, I LOVE YOU." When she smiles, I can focus on the happiest part of my life. Her unconditional love can bring me out of the worst day.

4. I take some alone time everyday. A hot bubble bath and a chance to focus on YOU for even 20 minutes is a lifesaver. Sometimes I close my eyes in the water and think to myself "This will help to wash away my troubles". It sounds silly, but it works. After my bath, I usually then spend at least 10 minutes laying flat on my back, eyes closed and practicing deep breathing. This is my opportunity to refocus.

5. I surround myself with the people that I love. If my husband is not home, I will visit with my Gram, Mom, sister, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, father-in-law, etc. Having those who support and love you around helps to remember that YOU are important and loved.

6. I remind myself everyday that I am a good mother. My daughter is healthy and thriving. I am responsible for her well-being and I am doing a good job.

7. I continue to remember compliments from others and recite them to myself when I feel down. Such as this: My husband says to me "You are so good with her. There is never a doubt in my mind that you won't be a good mom. I always knew you would be." These reminders will make you smile :)

8. Any negative thoughts I will write on paper. I will recite them out loud to myself and then I will burn the paper. I tell myself as it burns "I burn these thoughts from my mind forever". The act of writing the fear, worry or negative thought down and burning it helps to release that negative energy. Crazy? Try it.

9. I take my recovery one day at a time. Reminding myself that it is a growing process. That the Lord will carry me through. I just have to be patient. It will not happen all at once, but it will happen. I WILL GET BETTER.

10. Finally. At the end of each day, I sit down and reflect on the day. What did I do that was good for ME? What did I do that was good for Mya? Did I make someone smile? I then say my prayers and ask for the blessing of my family and friends, and the following day......I begin brand new.

Starting New.

The journey into motherhood is something that NO ONE can ever prepare you for. No matter how much you read or try to prepare, there is nothing that will make it easy. My reality check came shortly after Christmas when I finally admitted that I felt completely "out of control". I found myself crying at the drop of a dime, feeling like I hadn't slept in months and constantly worrying. I had an emotional breakdown and went to the one person who I knew would understand....my own mother. As much as it hurt to finally admit, I finally said the words to my husband..."I think I have postpartum depression". And hearing it being said out loud was frightening. At such a wonderful time in my life how could I possibly be depressed?? For once in my life I had to admit that I was not in control. That I was not able to do this on my own. I needed help. And I would do ANYTHING to regain my old self. Only what I didn't realize was that my old self would be a new self. I am a MOTHER now...and I have to learn to adjust to someone else's schedule. My tiny Mya has control now. I needed to learn to let go and relax and do what comes naturally. First things first....I had to learn to listen.

So this will be the story of my journey. It will be my therapy and hopefully encouraging to other mother's who are also having trouble adjusting. Slowly, I can feel myself getting better. Each day is a new beginning....I will write my own story and with time will overcome anything.

Today my words of encouragement are from a woman who I deeply respect, my grandmother. They are this:

"Your situation may endanger your life and limbs, but only your thoughts can endanger your happiness. Whatever you're doing, choose thoughts that knit your heart together rather than tear it apart."