Transition

The past two weeks have definitely had their ups and downs. After an exceptionally long and hard week 2 weeks ago, I finally discovered what was causing my anxiety, mood swings, irritability, and worsening depression for the past 6 weeks. A birth control pill. One little daily dose of hormones that just happened to be enough to set me over the edge. SO....I stopped taking them and within 2 days I started to feel like the old me again! Of course the trauma of what I have gone through over the past month is still there, but I can finally wake up and not feel nervous or sick to my stomach. I can make it through an entire day without a panic attack. And best of all,...I can finally enjoy spending countless hours doing nothing but being with my beautiful little princess. 

BUT,...then last week rolled around. The day that I have dreaded since November....my first night back to work.

Returning to work has definitely been a struggle for me. I never in a million years could have imagined that it would be so hard to leave her. I have an emotional meltdown each night before I leave. I cry and cry and kiss her about a thousand times before I leave the house. And then after an hour long drive full of sobs and tears, I somehow manage to collect myself and walk into work. The nights have been absolute torture being that I haven't been awake much past 11 o'clock in three months. I just have to continue telling myself that I am doing this for Mya...she gives me something to look forward to in the morning. I knew that this transition wouldn't be easy. But I also know that I have to do this for me. So, I am working very hard to get back to feeling myself again. Over time, I think this will happen. Just one day at a time.

Today I asked for a sign......that everything will be okay.

I have to be honest, the past few days have been pretty rough. Nightmares, anxiety, a lot of tears. At the beginning of the week, I spoke to a friend who knows all too well what I am going through. And she said something to me that set made me smile. She said "I wouldn't want to be myself without this." She knows that she is a stronger person because of her PPD. She has survived something that many will never understand. She is strong and I am proud of her. Thank you :) I won't mention names.

So, after much consideration, my thoughts for today are this......they will help me to remain strong. I can fight this battle and I will overcome it....

"I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightening out to do......But I've got to get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry."

Trying to stay positive.....even on my weakest days, I grow a little stronger.