At 6 weeks postpartum, I finally found the power to tell my husband that I thought I had postpartum depression. I was scared to death and didn't know where to turn. Of course I had heard all of the terrifying stories of women who had suffered before me and there is such a stigma attached to PPD, I didn't want to be labeled as a failure. But that is how I did feel, and I wanted a quick fix. (Which I know now is not possible.) At my 6 week postpartum visit with my OB, I asked for medication that would make me "feel better". Of course, as a breastfeeding mother I was given a single option...ZOLOFT.
To make a long story short, my scary dream of PPD then turned into a terrifying nightmare. For 3 days I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't relax enough to think. I had HORRIBLE nightmares. My mind raced, I felt like a terrible Mom and a terrible person. Worthless is how I felt. After 3 doses (I know,...a nurse should know better), I stopped taking them. Maybe not the best decision for some, but for me it was.
And now, just 5 weeks later, I feel like I have been making progress. Although I still have days when I feel like I am getting worse, or that I have taken a step back, I remind myself that it will take time. I focus on the positive. I remember where I was just a few weeks ago. I remember what those awful pills did for me. SCARY...So today, to empower myself.....I FLUSHED THOSE PILLS. I told myself "I DON'T NEED DRUGS TO FEEL BETTER." I will make it through this.
You're such an inspiration to others Cass, even when you are feeling down. Little Mya is one lucky girl! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI think anti-depressants often make you feel worse rather than better--post-partum depression doesn't necessarily mean you need to be taking drugs, but you have to learn how to take care of yourself WHILE being a good mother. It took me months to teach myself how to be able to commit myself to Genevieve (and her schedule!)--you literally have to re-learn everything from showering to sleeping, and I know for me it was a slow process. I'm not the best multi-tasker, but I know I have to deal with one thing at a time, and I still have times that I get upset if she's crying for longer than usual, or I can't get her to sleep, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong or if I could (or should) be 'better' at it. But at the end of the day, I know that I did the best I could, and if I really need a break, family is an hour and a half away, and they will always be there to help. Mya has one great mom, and I applaud you for speaking out, and if she could tell you how much she appreciates everything you do for her, she would in a heartbeat! Keep being the awesome Mom you are, we love you!!
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